DAD:
It’s good to be home. I didn’t think that the sermon would ever end.
MOM:
Why did they let the family pastor preach, anyway? He’s always so long winded.
GRANDMA:
Hello.
DAD:
Hey, ma.
GRANDMA:
How was church?
DAD:
Oh it was fine, more or less.
CHILD1:
Daddy, why do we go to church?
DAD:
Well, because, it is a good place to go…and, uh…well,…Marcy, a little
help?
MOM:
Because, you are supposed to go. You talk about God there, and that’s good…
CHILD:
Does Jesus have wings? Can he fly like Batman? Or shoot webs like Spider Man?
DAD:
He could, I’m sure. But he doesn’t want to be a show-off.
MOM:
Rich!
DAD:
I’m just trying to help.
GRANDMA:
So, that’s it, is it? That’s the best you can come up with about Jesus?
DAD:
Well, he did a lot of special things. You know, like when he freed the slaves?
GRANDMA:
Oh, Rich. Don’t you remember anything from Sunday School?
DAD:
I remember that Mr. Martin our teacher had a lot of nose hair
GRANDMA:
That’s terrible. Marcy, help me out here.
MOM:
That is terrible, Rich. What are we teaching our child?
DAD:
I teach him things like how to throw a ball and how to catch a ball and…how to
hit a ball. Not God stuff. That’s your department. You’re a woman. You’re
much better at the touchy-feely-lovey stuff. That’s the category the God stuff
falls into.
MOM:
Believe me, I don’t trust you with that stuff. Remember when you tried to
explain to him why his cat died?
DAD:
I told him that the cat and a truck got into a fight and the truck won, but I
told him we could stuff the cat and put him on the mantle if he wanted.
MOM:
Mr. Sensitive. I know better than to give you any responsibility that doesn’t
involve eating, watching T.V., or making loud grunting noises
DAD:
You’re a wise woman. So, see, what do I have to add to this conversation? And,
you, ma, who are you to talk? You haven’t gone to church in years.
GRANDMA: It’s your father’s fault. He doesn’t want to go. One time the minister was preaching about that passage that says wives should submit to their husbands. He gave him a five-minute standing ovation. And then the minister read the part about giving up your life for your wife, and he started throwing tomatoes. It took three elders and two burly deacons to bounce him out of the sanctuary. We received a letter telling us not to come back, and that it would take a hefty tithe to get forgiven and repaint the pulpit.
DAD:
Why did he have tomatoes?
GRANDMA:
He used to get hungry during the sermon. He hollowed out a hymnal and put Cheese
dip in it.
DAD:
We’re going to burn. This family is going to burn.
MOM:
Forget about that. What about Jesus?
DAD:
What about Him?
MOM:
What are we going to tell him?
DAD:
Why should we have to do it? That’s why we go to church. To get our weekly God
fix and go home and watch football.
GRANDMA:
No, no, no. Rich, you wouldn’t be going to church if we as parents didn’t
tell you about God. What you’re saying doesn’t make sense. Your kids spend
all of this time with you, and only a few hours a week at church. If you don’t
teach them about Jesus, who will? Would you want your doctor to spend only a few
hours a week at school? He would never become a doctor. It’s got to be a
lifestyle. You’ve got to teach them at home about Jesus. Which also means that
you have to know your stuff.
DAD:
Alright. I’ll brush up on my Bible, but for being a good father, I get to eat
a king size candy bar, and relax on Saturday mornings.
MOM:
And you get to go to heaven…
DAD:
Yeah, that will be nice, too. But, just think about it: a king size candy bar.
By
Lloyd Evans
© 2000 Lloyd Evans