HOW
DO WE SEE EACH OTHER?
By Michael David Thomas
Roles : Marriage Counselor, Dr. Barney Rubblestien
Mr. Fred Jones
Mrs. Wilma Jones
Setting : Marriage Counselor’s Office
Props : Desk, 3- chairs, telephone and handkerchief
Barney : Yes, Betty? Please send them in.
(Mr. & Mrs. Jones enter separately. Mr. Jones first, and Mrs. Jones enters a few seconds later.)
Fred : (offers handshake) Hello, Doc, I’m Fred Jones. My wife Wilma will be in
eventually. She suffers from a severe case of diarrhea of the mouth and is out in
the lobby boring your secretary to death.
Wilma : I heard that! We’re suppose to be here together. You think you would have the
common decency to wait for me! Hello, doctor.
Fred : I can’t wait for you; I have to get back to work. After all, time is money.
Unfortunately, you’re good at saving time and spending money!
Barney : Okay, time out. Have a seat. You can call me Barney. My job is to get the two
of you together, not referee your fights. In order to do this, I have to find out
what is really bothering both of you. Will the both of you listen to me?
(Fred and Wilma both nod their agreement reluctantly.) Okay, Wilma, how
would Fred finish this sentence? My wife relaxes by..
Wilma : Driving.
Barney : Now, Fred, what would be your next sentence? (Fred thinks about it.)
Fred : She loves to drive me crazy! Nag, nag, nag all of the time. The moment I come
home. (Wilma throws her head in the air and says humph.)
Barney : Okay, Fred, how would Wilma finish this sentence? My husband is the best…
Fred : husband and father in the world. (Fred has big smile on his face with his chest
puffed out.)
Barney : Wilma, what would your next sentence be?
Wilma : (smiling vindictively) Unfortunately, this only happens in his dreams. If we
didn’t have a television and beer, he wouldn’t come home. (Fred deflates his
chest quickly.)
Barney : (takes notes.) Wilma, try this one. My wife loves…
Wilma : to cook special meals for her family. (She smiles content with herself.)
Barney : Fred, your next response sentence.
Fred : They’re special because no one knows what they are. We end up eating at fast
food restaurants so much, they know us on a first name basis! (Wilma looks
horrified.)
Barney : Fred, finish this one. My husband loves…
Fred : to travel everywhere. (He waves his hands outward for effect.)
Barney : Wilma, your next response sentence.
Wilma : We have seen many new places, because we never found the ones we set out to
see. He will drive aimlessly hoping to find our destination until we run out of
daylight. Then he will pick out some off-of-the-wall place to stop and see.
Barney : (Barney sighs.) Let’s go in a different direction. Have you both brought the
lists I asked you to compile? (Both nod yes.) Each of you has a list of five
lines you hate to hear the other one say. I want both of you to really listen to the
other’s list. Wilma, why don’t you go first?
Wilma : (1) In a minute dear, wait until the commercial. I could be dead by the time he
comes out to see what is wrong.
(2) I don’t need the directions, I can put it together. Then after many hours
and expletives, he’ll say this must be defective. Take it back.
(3) I’ll take care of it. As if it will ever happen in this lifetime.
(4) I don’t have to ask; I know where I’m going. So do I, and I’m going to
send him there. (Wilma makes a fist.)
(5) Yes dear, okay dear, yes dear, etc. It’s like talking to a wall. I’m ready to
strangle him.
Barney : Did you listen Fred? I hope so. Okay, let’s hear your list.
Fred : (1) Honey, mother called, she’s coming for a week. That strikes fear in the heart
of many strong men.
(2 ) I’m going shopping, you don’t have to go. I only need your charge card.
Normally, this wouldn’t bother me, but the stores have special hours for her to
shop by herself because she’s such a good customer.
(3) I get no respect! I have feelings! How about my feelings? Her mouth is like the
eveready rabbit, it just keeps on going and going.
(4) Can’t you do anything around here? The other version is – I have to do
everything myself. Who works all day? Am I suppose to work day and night?
(5) Let’s cuddle, my feet are cold. This is like stepping into a cold shower. It’s
instant shock. It really puts you in the mood for cuddling.
Barney : I hope you were listening Wilma. Now I have one more task for the two of you.
I want to get a good idea of how things go at home. Let’s start with Fred getting
home from work and Wilma meeting you at the door. Just say what you
normally do. (Fred and Wilma agree with evil smirks on their faces.)
Fred : (Fred pretends he arrives home.) (sarcastically) Hi, honey, I’m home.
Wilma : (to Barney) He usually staggers in, but I’ll make an exception. (to Fred) Where
were you? You’re an hour late supper is ruined!
Fred : I stopped to have a few drinks with the boys to unwind. Besides, what’s the
difference if I come home on time to a hot ruined dinner or come home feeling
good to a cold ruined dinner? Why don’t you go fix it up while I sit down and
watch the television.
Wilma : (sarcastically) Yes, dear. (to the audience) I’ll fix it all right, nothing like a little
arsenic to give it flavor.
Fred : (Fred inserts the following lines where they’re appropriate after each line of
Wilma’s in the next sequence.) Yes dear. No, dear. Right away dear. Etc.
Wilma : Pick up your clothes, I just cleaned. Don’t scan the stations so much. You have
to fix the back door. When are you going to fix it? How about fixing it right this
time. Are you listening to me? I was mugged on the way home today and they
took all of our credit cards and the new car. It’s like talking to the wall! You
never hear a word I say!
Fred : I’ll pay attention when you have something important to say! From the moment I
come home you nag, nag, nag. I don’t stop you from talking because with all of
that hot air I don’t have to heat the house.
Wilma : (exasperated) You’re impossible. I give up. Mother was right about marrying
you. I have feelings! Something you obviously don’t have!
Fred : For once I agree with the old battle-axe.
Barney : Okay, that’s enough. It wasn’t what I exactly expected, but at least it’s a start.
The two of you have to talk to each other, not at each other. When one of you
speaks, the other must listen and try to understand. Why don’t the both of you
work on this and I’ll see you next week. (Fred and Wilma agree and get up and
leave. After they leave, Barney picks up the phone and talks to Betty.) Cancel
the rest of my appointments for today, Betty, I want to spend it with my wife.
© 2002 Tom Smith