WIFE: (with newspaper) Oh, just look at this. It’s getting so that I don’t even want to open up the paper anymore. Too many terrible things going on.
HUSBAND:
Oh well, it is the way it is.
WIFE:
Just like this. It turns out that the spotted zebra seaweed plant, indigenous to
northwest Ohio, has been dying off at a slow and steady rate. It seems that
it’s because fisherman snag it with their hooks, and it’s a very delicate
plant.
HUSBAND:
Yeah, everyone likes fishing.
WIFE:
And taxes. Everywhere I look more taxes. They’re taxing people who walk too
much because they wear out the sidewalks. They’re taxing people who don’t
walk enough because they are out of shape. And don’t get me started on this
new oxygen tax. Now I’ve got to claim on my taxes how much I breathe.
HUSBAND:
Look, Family Circus has that “not me” kid in it today. Man, that’s funny.
WIFE:
Funny? How can you laugh when all of this is going on. Are you even listening to
me?
HUSBAND:
Of course, they won’t, honey.
WIFE:
What?
HUSBAND:
I totally agree.
WIFE:
I knew it. You aren’t listening to me. You never listen to me.
HUSBAND:
I totally agree.
WIFE:
(pauses for a moment) Hmmm…Oh, and look here. The NFL is now being forced by
the government make sure that half of all of its teams are comprised of women.
HUSBAND:
What did you say?
WIFE:
The NFL is going to have to have women players on their teams.
HUSBAND:
What? They can’t do that. I mean…I just don’t want any women to get hurt,
that’s all.
WIFE:
And look at this. Congress calls for heavy donut tax.
HUSBAND:
Donut tax? How can they do that? Do they know how much donuts I eat in a week?
That will break us for sure!
WIFE:
Write your congressman, honey.
HUSBAND:
Take away my donuts will they?
WIFE:
Oh, they will if you just let them. That’s why you’ve got to keep up on this
stuff. Or pretty soon sheep dogs will be extinct.
HUSBAND:
Sheepdogs? I love sheepdogs. What ever will we do?
WIFE:
I don’t know. The whole world’s gone crazy.
HUSBAND:
I can’t believe what this world is coming to (goes back to reading paper)
WIFE:
Honey, I just made all of this up. None of what I just told you is true. I just
said it because you never listen to me.
HUSBAND: I’ll take out the garbage later. Can’t you see I’m busy?
By
Lloyd Evans
© 2001 Lloyd Evans