IF JIM HAD NOT BEEN
BORN December 23
service
Roles: Jim, a down-and-out guy; Angel, a guardian angel
sent to cheer Jim up; Woman, the woman Jim married; Man, the
person Jim's wife would have married if Jim had not been born; A reporter;
An older married couple who own the dogs that Jim would have owned if He
had been born.
Props: A clipboard for the angel, a desk for the pastor counseling the
couple soon to be married, a microphone for the reporter, a stuffed dog
JIM: Ah, the church
sanctuary. This is about the only thing or place that gives me any peace any
more. But what is even the point. I lost my job because all the dot coms went
bust, and now I don’t have any money, so my wife is threatening to leave me.
Even my dog ran away with the neighbor’s dog to get married in a 24 hr. dog
wedding chapel in
ANGEL: Never been born?
JIM: Hey, you’re not one
of those athesists, are you?
ANGEL: No, that was last
month’s drama. No, I’m the real deal, a guardian angel, and I’m going to
show you what it would be like if you had never been born.
JIM: Oh, I’ve seen this
movie before.
ANGEL: Well, if you’re
going to whine about how terrible things are, this is what you get.
JIM: I’ll stop
complaining.
ANGEL: It’s too late now
JIM: No really, I’ve
learned my lesson. You don’t have to…
ANGEL: (angry) Look, I
know you think us angels are all laid back and caring, but you’re a tough case
and you got assigned an angel that isn’t going to take “no” for an answer.
(poking him in the shoulder) You asked for it, and now you’re going to get it!
JIM: Alright.
CUT TO SCENE IN GREG’S
OFFICE
ANGEL: Now remember, they
can’t hear you. So, keep quiet!
JIM: That doesn’t make
any sense. I should be able to do whatever I want. (makes faces and childish
noises)
ANGEL: Cut it out.
Remember, I'm an angel. I'm pretty tight with God.
JIM: I’ll be good
PASTOR: So, you’ve
decided to get married.
JIM: Hey, that’s my wife
ANGEL: Be quiet!
MAN: Yes, we are as happy
as could be. I could not have imagined having a better relationship with a
better person.
WOMAN: And I’m so glad
that I did not marry someone else. Then I would have never met my favorite
millionaire, who also just won the nobel peace prize, and single handedly got
rare Zebra Pandas to mate in captivity.
PASTOR: And God came to me
in a vision last night, and told me that he has personally ordained and blessed
this marriage. He didn’t even do that for me!
WOMAN: Wow! Just think of
the loser I could have married if I had not met you, dear
JIM: Thanks for bringing
me here. You’re great. Way to go.
ANGEL: (confused)
Forget about this. Think about your town and all of the people you would have
affected there. There’s a story on TV about Delta right now.
FLIP TO VIDEO AND NEWS
ANCHOR
REPORTER: We’re here in
front of Memorial Hall in Delta, Ohio, where, earlier today, the mayor, state
governor, and president of the United States were here to observe the donating
of $500,000 in grants via the new America’s Smalltowns federal program. In
this program, one lucky town receives the grant that so many towns have been
vying for, and the stipulations are strict. You have to be village with a
population of 3,000 or less. And Delta barely qualified. They have a population
of exactly 3,000. Just think about the odds. If one more person had been born in
Delta, this town would have never won this grant. You’re looking at one happy
town today. I’m Maria Elena with Fox News.
JIM: You know it all, do
you? Came here to cheer me up, did you? Well, that’s just great. (sarcastically)
Oh, look at me, I’m an angel, I’m making people’s lives better. I’m so
great.
ANGEL: I never promised
you any such thing. I’m just here to show you how it would be. I never made
any guarantees or promises on future events that would or would not happen. Oh
yeah, but the way, don’t let me forget to have you sign a release before I
leave. This is the kind vision that could really come back to haunt us.
JIM: Ok, let’s end this
before I really get mad
ANGEL: One more peek at
the present without you.
RICH COUPLE ON STAGE:
M: Oh, honey, we’re so
wealthy
W: Yes, even more so that
most people
M: You might say we have a
lot of money.
W: Yes, and I hope that
loan we gave the government helps them out.
M: Oh yes. Jeeves, bring
us our dogs
JIM: I don’t like where
this is going
M: Oh, look at them,
aren’t they so cute. And we pamper you every day, yes we do.
W: Ah, such good puppies
they are
JIM: Great, so even my dog
has it better than I do
ANGEL: But only if you had
not been born.
JIM: Ok, so, you’ve done
what you need to do. Can I continue with my sulking, please?
ANGEL: Sulking? I figured
you be ready to do yourself in
JIM: Oh no.
ANGEL: Really.
JIM: I actually did learn
something throughout all of this. Just think of it. If I had not been born,
everyone would have had everything handed to them. But as it is, because of me,
their lives have been harder. Because they have had to work, they appreciate
what they have more. So, really, my life has great purpose.
ANGEL: Well, that’s
fine. I’m looking to get out of here sometime today, so if you’re happy,
then I’m happy.
JIM: Yeah, I understand
it. I’m here to make the lives of others more difficult.
ANGEL: No, I really
don’t think you understand…
JIM: Oh yeah, I get it
now. You might even say I’m a hero.
ANGEL: Sign here. Have a
nice day.
JIM: I will. But everyone
around me won’t! See ya later.
ANGEL: Not according to our records.
By
Lloyd Evans
© 2001 Lloyd Evans