WORLD'S BEST MOTHER
Theme:
Only mothers can do what God has gifted them to do.
Props: none
Characters: Game Show Host; Mary, a mom; Kim, a mom; James, a male contestant
HOST:
Let me introduce you to our contestants. She's a homemaker from Augusta,
Georgia. Meet Mary. She's a part time church secretary from Terre Haute,
Indiana. Meet Kim. And he's a....he? What do the judges say? Well, alright,
we'll let him play. He's a construction worker from Elery, Montana. Meet James.
Welcome contestants. This is how we play "world's best mother". We ask
a series of questions and we add or subtract points based on your answers. All
contestants will begin with 100 points. First question: What do you usually make
your children for lunch?
MARY: Fried Spam and Little Debbie snack cakes
KIM: Oh, Bologna or grilled cheese
JAMES: I'll usually lighty sautee a sliced onion, steam some carrots which I
grow organically. Children need their vitamin A, after all. Make a mild cheese
sauce so that my children's bones get strong, and of course fresh strawberries
which I buy every morning at the markent, but I usually pick out all of the
seeds so that they digest well.
KIM: Well, I buy milk and sometimes my kids will drink it...If I put a lot of
chocolate in it.
HOST: Sorry, Kim, time's up. James gets 100 points, Kim gets 10 points, and Mary
loses 40 points for serving Spam. Next question: your son decides to paint a
mural on your newly painted living room wall using his box of 64 crayola
crayons. How do you punish him?
MARY: Stand him in a corner.
KIM: Send him to his room.
JAMES: Actually, you can do several things. I would explain to my child what it
means to destroy something someone has put so much time into. I would them make
him clean the mess he made and tell him that he should be sorry for what he did,
and that he should respect others and what they own.
MARY: (UPSET) Oh, I'm such a bad mother.
HOST: Quiet! James gets 100 points, Kim gets 10 points, and Mary loses 70 points
for inflicting a punishment that will lead her child to have bad posture and
fallen arches. Now, onto the third and final question: Your daughter brings a
bad report card home, and you are understandably disappointed. What do you do?
MARY: Stand her in a corner...um...I mean, sit her in a corner.
KIM: Send her to her room.
JAMES: Well, you could do those things. But many noted child psychologists
suggest a reward system whereby a child reaps a benefiit from getting good
grades. I would also brush up on those subjects that my child was struggling
with so that I could tutor them.
HOST: Ok, then, that gives James 100 points, Kim 10 points, and Mary loses 60
points for inflicting a punishment that will make her child crosseyed. That
makes James our winner. Johnny, tell them what they've won.
JOHNNY: James gets an all expenses paid trip to beautiful Toledo, Ohio.
"Toledo. Enjoy the view" Kim will receive a lifetime supply of Kraft
American Cheese."Don't you just love cheese?" And Mary will receive a
visit from child services.
HOST: I'd like to say thank you to all of our guests today, especially James
who, though being a man, is our champion tod...
MARY: Wait a second! This is ridiculous. Why would you let a man play this game?
Men are good husbands and fathers, and only they can be those things> but
only women can be mothers. Women have special God given gifts that are unique to
us, and no one can take the place of a mother. How can a man be the world's best
mother?
JAMES: Just take a look at the scoreboard.
HOST: Well, that's all the time we have for today. Thanks for watching and be
sure to tune in to World's Best Father the celebrity edition, with Woody Allen,
Tom Cruise, and Rosie O'Donnell. Good night.
By
Lloyd Evans
© 2001 Lloyd Evans